It's Paul Muldoon and the very blond back of my head.



(found at http://artsci.wustl.edu/~archword/paulmuldooninterview.php)

I asked a question at that interview, something about "the thing working through the poet as the poem is written." It was more eloquent than that. I know because I wrote it down on looseleaf and practiced. I was terrified.



Anyway, I'm sorry that I've been gone so long.

This is the story of how I ended up on a New York street corner in my pajamas at 5 am.

I was having a strange dream last night about two pairs of hands: in front of these hands were two red buttons, labeled "A" and "B." As the hands pressed these buttons, a strange robot voice kept repeating "A or B or A. A or B or A. A or B or A."

The dream was disturbing, and then suddenly the robot voice became very loud, so loud that it woke me up. That was when I realized it wasn't in my head; it was coming from somewhere in the building. It was the fire alarm. It probably took me a good minute after waking up to come to that realization; the sound was so bizarre, and because it had started in the other tower of my dorm, I was confused. At first I thought it was street noise, since there are sirens and car noises all night. I guess that's the problem with living in New York...you grow too used to the noise.

Anyway, it was really dark, and I was delirious, and on the top bunk, and not appropriately dressed for the outside (it wasn't that bad, I was just kind of bra-less), and didn't know what to do. I was just trying not to hurt myself, so I slid off the top bunk (still completely out of it) and put a giant shirt over the shirt I was already wearing, and grabbed my keys off of the table. I didn't get my ID for the building, because I didn't want to waste time fishing through my bag, and I figured my keys were enough to prove I was a resident.

Fire safety, right? Yeah. Well, we'll come back to that later.

I went to the door of the suite and looked out of the peephole. No fire. So I came out into the hallway and watched some girls try to go to the elevator before someone shouted at them that they needed to take the stairs. Anyway, there we were, all the University of Dreams kids, shuffling down the stairwell in our pajamas at 4:30 am, pretty much delirious and pissed off because we had work in the morning and JESUS THE FIRE ALARM WAS SO OBNOXIOUS. Obnoxious isn't even the right word...it was the most horrible noise I'd ever heard.

So this is NYU, not Wash U, so it's not like freshman year when the Danforth alarm would go off and we'd all walk out into the grassy area of WGE and chill on the hammocks. When a fire alarm goes off in an NYU dorm, you get to stand on the street corner.

I wish I'd brought my camera. Keep in mind that technically two twelve-story buildings were evacuated. That's a lot of people. They were in nightgowns and slippers, they had acne cream on their faces, scrunchies in their hair, and they were standing on 3rd Avenue. And they were pissed (I include myself in that group.)

After about 20 minutes it was obvious that there was no serious problem. So I prepared to go back inside with everyone else.

Oh yeah, and that's when they told us to get out our IDs.

Right.

So I ended up standing off to the side with all of the other students who had decided not to waste precious potentially life-saving moments just to grab their NYU ID. And security treated us like idiots, too, which was completely unnecessary. We waited out there while every other student got to go in (it took a while, because security kept stopping them), and then they let us line up. I ended up squished and sideways because the people around me were trying to squeeze through the door. When I protested, the security guard came forward and stopped everyone and yelled at me, telling me, "Don't push, let's act like civilized people here."

Boo! Whatever, enjoy your job.

Brian, your dad's a fire chief -- he'd back me on my no-ID position, right? Oh well, at least I eventually got into the building, sometime around 5:30 am. Thank heavens for the free coffee at Sirius.

Oh, and for the record, the Keith Urban/Alicia Keys version of "Gimme Shelter" from Live Earth was not amazing. Sorry, but for me it's Mick Jagger and Merry Clayton or nothing. Neither Alicia Keys nor Joss Stone (who performed it at the South Africa concert) can make that song bleed like Merry could.

Best part: 3:02, Merry gets so into it that her voice cracks on "murder" and Mick shouts "Whoo!"

I'm the blonde one. I wish the sound quality was better, but you get the idea.



So random.



Anyway, I'm back from my two-day California adventure, and nearly broke, so I'm trying to find nice free things to enjoy in the city. I went to the NY Public Library yesterday, which is perfectly air-conditioned. I actually got some writing done. I plan to go back very, very soon.

I'm currently reading Lady Chatterley's Lover, which is crazy and fantastic. And Doris Lessing's introduction is one of the best things I've ever read. Recommended. Highly.

I've also moved all of my Yahoo! photos over to Flickr. So enjoy those as well.

I finished The Last of Her Kind in 4 days, and despite the odd final pages, the novel hit me so hard that I ached at the thought of picking up another book too soon (even though I couldn't sleep last night thanks to a giant s'mores latte from Kayak's.) Was I bothered when the narration began to jump around towards the end? A little, until I pushed through those sections (how I missed Georgette George's guiding voice) and was ultimately rewarded.

Next up: The Awakening by Kate Chopin. Finally.

When I'm not exhausted or stressed out, when I don't feel guilty for not writing, I read. I read fast. I read in bed, I read at breakfast, lunch, and dinner (I got soy sauce on pages 202-203 yesterday,) I read in the car, I read everywhere. I've missed it. I'm trying really hard to get reacquainted with reading for pleasure. I should have been reading for pleasure all along, I suppose, but it's funny how the knowledge that you'll eventually have to write a 12-page paper about a book can really make it hard for that book to have any lasting emotional impression (aside from whatever intellectual impression it'll have.) For me, at least. Not that that hasn't happened (otherwise I would have received no pleasure from my major, and I certainly received a lot), but fewer books pulled through for me than would have otherwise. It's a shame. I really envy those people in academics who love what they read despite what they're going to have to do to it eventually. And that is probably why I'm not going to be a Ph.D.

I'm also lazy.

MINE.
(from Brian, for graduation. Love love love love love!)

I also went to a Cards game this week and Blue Hill with my English buddies, picked up my graduation robe, and watched the grades pour in. Exciting week! I can't wait for the float trip.

I'm supposed to be writing my Gender/Culture/Madness paper but I can't get Kate Bush's "Wuthering Heights" out of my head. So odd...so catchy. Be prepared for a big "WTF?"



Anyway. Maybe it helps if you've read the book.

Things I have purchased with my prize money so far:

1) BIKE! It's my-sized, too! Tiniest adult bike in the whole store.

2) Groceries! Finally! I'm going to eat like a normal person.

3) A sushi dinner.

I plan to spend a little bit more on:

- my hair

- a new dress for the Senior Gala

- Brian's birthday

...and save the rest for New York.


Things are winding down. I finished my poetry portfolio today. This weekend I have a non-fiction revision to do, two shorter non-fiction assignments, and a take-home exam (6-8 pages) for Gender, Culture and Madness. Then I'm done. Done, I said! No more college.

Well, it was a weird day at Wash U.



( More pictures and video! )

I have pictures of the petting zoo on campus. I'll be posting them later today.

Imagine the prospective students on tour today: "Look, Mom! Wash U has a carnival in its parking lot and baby goats next to its library!"

A random pre-frosh posted this video of "I Want You Back" from Discovery Weekend, which happened way back in October. This was our first public gig with the new members, and it was amazing. Probably our best performance this year. It made me love the newbies!

Too bad the guy has to sing over the whole clip. But you get the idea. And, as you can see, I'm wearing my favorite black and white shoes.

Anis Shivani — "Why Is American Fiction in Its Current Dismal State?"

Wow. Read this in the current issue of Pleiades. Mixed emotions right now. All I can say is it definitely had an impact.

Sign that I'm relaxed again: I had one of my epic dreams this afternoon. It wasn't a very pleasant one -- I won't frustrate myself by trying to explain it -- but it was so vivid and colorful and complex. Good, good. Some decent poetry should follow this event.

I had such a nice day. I met with Kerri Webster, who talked to me about MFA programs and where I should try to publish over the next year. I'm preparing a cover letter for Pleiades, but I don't think I'll send anything out until I hear back about departmental awards. I submitted last Friday. It's not as strong a bunch as the ones I sent in last year. One poem is, in my opinion, the strongest I've ever written, but the rest are weak. I felt like half of them weren't good enough, but since there's no harm in submitting, I thought it might be a waste not to submit to all 6 contests.

I went to Borders, bought a few novels I've been wanting to read, and rested on the couch with one cat curled up at my side and the other on my back. You know the way the Hi-Pointe theater smells when you walk in -- like fresh popcorn and leather seats -- and that feeling it gives you, like you're in for something really good? (Can you tell that it's my favorite spot in St. Louis?) I flipped through the pages of the book I started and got that feeling. It was raining outside too boot. So wonderful. I read about 70 pages and fell into a really deep sleep.

I bought a strange bunch of books: Little Children (I really respond to Tom Perrotta's unapologetic use of pop culture references -- not my reason for purchasing this, of course), The Color Purple (I know, random, but I've never gotten around to reading it), and The Road by Cormac McCarthy, and, yes, like a snob I removed the Oprah's Book Club sticker as soon as I got home. If any of you read my short story "Punchinello" you'll understand why I was interested in a book about two people walking around in a post-apocalypic world, especially when there's a scene involving an abandoned supermarket. Abandoned food freaks me out. I also bought The Best American Comics 2006, and I'd like to thank Andy Hobin for getting me into graphic novels.

Brian and I were supposed to go buy an old typewriter this afternoon, but he got off work a little late and now there isn't enough to time to eat, drive out there, and get back in time for Goin' Pro (the Amateurs concert, which you all should go to.) So, although I have no idea what I'll be doing for a living in the next year, I do know that I'll be banging out plenty of B.S. (and maybe some gold) on a (hopefully avocado green) typewriter.

Oh, also, recording with James Cannon went amazingly well this week, and our new album should be magnificent. I can't wait to get tracks back.

I got honors!

Tonight I will drink much wine with the boyfriend, go to rehearsal tipsy (Brian's driving) then more drinks later w/ other honors folk.

I deserve it. I've been working so so so so so so hard.

Right now I have a poetry presentation to prepare for. Off I go!

Maybe I'll have Daved dye my hair hot pink today. Yes? Yes? No.

How do I know that I'm definitely related to these people? The main items in the fridge are Diet Coke, Yoo-hoo!, and spinach artichoke dip. I am definitely home.

I love coming home because it's usually just wonderful weirdness from start to finish. For instance, I was picked up by a limo from the airport. My dad said it was just as much as a cab and he was right, so I didn't feel too guilty as I whizzed by the taxis. So I got into my white stretch limo and turned on the fiber-obtic lights and the glittery ceiling and listened to WJRR all the way home, though I definitely had to turn the station off when "In Bloom" came on because Kurt Cobain made me feel guilty.

I got home, saw my dogs, and had a nice conversation with Susan and my dad. They both skimmed through my honors portfolio, and while Susan looked on, concerned, my dad decided to read out loud the part where I compare the rattan in Whitman's "Death in the Schoolroom" to a phallus. He was both amused and, I think, worried that I would scare my professors. I had to tell him about the part in David Reynolds's book where he makes a similar claim (which disappointed me so much when I read it, because I had hoped -- naively -- that I would have been the first to notice it.) Anyway -- we talked about my plans, and when I told my dad about all the kids in the English department getting into Harvard PhD programs he asked if I had ever thought about being Dr. Jazzy. Rafael did ask me yesterday if I'd ever thought about a joint MFA/PhD program. Cornell has one. As much as I'm intrigued, I know that the main reason I was looking forward to MFA was the chance to really focus on my writing. Not than MFA students don't have to take lit courses (they do), but...for now, I want to have one goal at a time.

My honors exam is at 8:30 am on Wednesday after Spring Break. So early! But I guess I won't have all day to worry about it. Plus, it'll be nice and quiet and cool on campus that early, which will do wonders for my peace of mind. I'm going to be okay, I think, I've just got a stack of books to re-read before then. And then I have plans to go out for celebratory drinks with Rafael, Jonathan, and some other people (whom I need to invite) -- and I hope hope hope it's celebratory. If anyone out there has ever done an oral defense, please get in contact with me.

So my plans for the weekend are:

1) Locate my brother. Maybe I'll see him once or twice.
2) See 300, and get my dad to watch Borat on DVD. And lots of Movies on Demand...I'll finally watch X-Men 3 and The Last Kiss. I will resist the urge to watch Devil Wears Prada because it will just remind me that, while I do have a sense of style, I have NO ENERGY to even try to put that knowledge into my own wardrobe. I hate how I dress, and I know I look stupid. Don't remind me, Anne Hathaway. You know, it's all there in my closet, I just don't have the energy to put it together. And I can never find my shoes.
I will also watch the Travel Channel on my dad's HD TV and be jealous of people who actually get to travel.
3) I'm going to enjoy the weather! It is gorgeous! Blue skies, warm...very pretty.

And just to continue the shallowness of this post: I am getting my hair done on Tuesday. I am just going to make it blonder, but I'm kind of tempted to do something different with it. I'm resisting the urge to go for a funky red, since I get the feeling that this might be my last chance to do it before I have to, you know, become an adult.

Did you know....?

That it's impossible to spell-check a Chaucer paper?

Spell check doesn't recognize "rokkes" or "wyf" or "trouthe" or "gentilesse" as words. And since I am incapable of spell-checking my work (it's called a short attention span, and it caused me to turn in a paper last week which had the phrase "right in from of me" in it), it looks like I'm just going to have to send this baby in and pray for the best.

Also, I wanted to go out with AD tonight. It was Lindsay's special "I'm not Musical Director anymore" celebration, and I sat here instead with the "rokkes blake" and Arveragus and Dorigen, who are really really weepy.

I WANT MY SOCIAL LIFE BACK. And I would also like to have time to shower and do laundry. And maybe shop for groceries.

I finally put my coursework stuff in one Word file tonight, just to see how it would look. My God...I'm so close to being done. I don't know why I've been so down on myself; I'm really really close. I've done an enormous amount of work -- I've expanded 15 pages into 40, I've done an incredible amount of reading and research, and I'm going to turn this in on Wednesday morning, clean and bound and ready to be read by the English faculty. I'm very happy with myself. There are things I could have done better, but I'm turning in a quality product that I'm proud of.

Life is good. Oscar time.

I love Target! Let me explain...I placed an order with them before New Years, and it was supposed to arrive on or before January 5th via USPS. Unfortunately, the package didn't show up before I left for Orlando. While in Orlando, I checked the delivery status, and of course, it was listed as having been delivered on January 6th.

Well, I got back to St. Louis on the 8th, and there was no package to be found. I thought maybe one of my neighbors had taken it into their apartment so it wouldn't take up space in the hallway, but none of them had seen it. I called Emily (who's getting tan in Cancun), and she hadn't seen it either. Brian (who'd been feeding my cats while Emily and I were out of town) also hadn't seen it. Hrmmm.

USPS could offer little help. They basically told me they'd send me the paperwork to file a claim.

So I called Target. I fully expected them to tell me "tough luck, order the items again." Instead, a lovely woman named Misty said, "I'm so sorry they lost your package! Well, let's see if your items are still in stock." Then she told me that Target would send me a replacement package, 2-day shipping, absolutely free.

Best customer service ever. Above and beyond my expectations. And friendly, too!

In other news, I'm very very very very very very very behind on my Whitman and Rebecca West papers. I have to finish my Whitman paper tomorrow, then I've got 4 days to finish Rebecca West (in between AD rehearsals.) Then I've got to whip up my 3-page introduction (which won't be hard, since I know exactly what I'm going to say.) I'll do it! I'll do it, I swear! I always pull through. I just wish I was one of those people who gets their work done weeks in advance, then uses the extra time to revise and perfect.

But I've got a new favorite place to study. Cairdeas Coffee just opened across from Brian's apartment. The coffee is great, the seats are comfy, there are outlets everywhere, free wireless, and because it's so new (and school's out) it isn't too loud. Unfortunately, it's only open til 8 pm. Whaaa?

We played Karaoke Revolution: American Idol today on the air...it's amazing! I sang Al Green's "Let's Stay Together," and had the highest score out of everyone on the show. Still, I didn't make it to Hollywood. The judges (Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson, and "Laura" Adbul - Paula wouldn't sell the rights to her image) said I wasn't quite ready, but "Laura" praised me for my courage. The program works by detecting pitch, so you can't improvise too much. Also, I just kind of sucked. Hey, singing on the air is kinda scary, even when you don't add the extra pressure of the virtual AI panel.

I've also seen Children of Men twice in less than a week. Highly recommended. If anyone feels like discussing it, IM me.

I found my Pentax ZX-7! It was my first real camera, a big, amazing, non-digital SLR beauty. I left it at home 2nd semester freshman year of college because I was primarily using my new digital Sony (which I have fallen way out of love with. Anyone want to buy it?) When my brother took over my room, he haphazardly packed all of my things away in boxes, not paying attention to value or fragility. I had no idea where anything was. Everything's in boxes in a small closet without a lightbulb - it's just impossible to find anything.

A few weeks ago I came across some of my old photography and realized that the reason I don't take portraits anymore is because my digital is terrible for them. I thought I'd lost the talent for it, but looking through the lens of this Pentax, I know it was just that I was using the wrong camera.

Anyway, I found my camera today, along with some lithium batteries. You can't imagine the joy I felt when I switched on that "on" button for the first time in three years and heard the little "bi-beep!" It was like seeing an old friend again. The problem is, it won't take photographs. It makes this pathetic little "whirr" sound when I press the shutter release button. I don't have the money to get it repaired right now, which kills me. I really want to take pictures.

CDs I found: 2Gether and 2Gether Again (who am I?), Cake's Fashion Nugget, and the soundtrack to Annie. I must have bought it when we did the show in high school.

Orlando is good. I'm still behind on my papers (due next Tuesday!) but I got a lot of work done today. I'm sitting out on our patio, staring at the pool and the lake, enjoying the weather. It may be 42 degrees in St. Louis, but here in O-Town it's 83. I couldn't be more relaxed. It would be so easy to get my work done if I lived like this year-round.

I go back to St. Louis tomorrow night. AD stuff starts up on Thursday. I'm excited.

Walt Whitman owns me right now. My two honors papers are due on January 16th. They're drafts, sure, but they've got to be good ones. All I've done is procrastinate. I finished Whitman's temperance novel Franklin Evans two days ago, after 5 days of reading. I could have read it in a day (it's terrible, but it goes by pretty quickly) but instead I chose to read in my apartment, with its endless distractions. Being in my apartment during the holidays is difficult, since holiday television is absolutely incredible. There was a marathon of The Biggest Loser on Bravo yesterday. I don't think people are aware of the magnificence of this show. This year's winner, Erik, lost 214 pounds. Incredible! These people are huge when they start, and when they finish, they're not just smaller, they're trim and athletic. Anyway, I cried 5 times during the marathon. It's all that talk about being around for their children...it gets to me.

I spent New Years with Brian. We started at Jim's party before heading off to Savor for a magic show. Jim's friend Brian had brought something called "pink dip" (equal parts cream cheese and salsa) and I didn't want to leave. It was delicious. But the show at Savor's Flim Flam theater was really incredible. We enjoyed champagne while magicians Dennis Schoen and Chris Korn entertained us. Chris Korn did this one trick where he took someone's $50 bill from the audience (with a signature on it, to verify it was the same bill) and made it appear inside a lemon. I don't know how he did it. We all did the countdown and champagne toast at midnight before Brian and I headed back to his place to watch the rest of Dick Clark's New Years Rockin' Eve (really lame) while we ate quiche...Prelude to a Quiche, from Trader Joe's. Delicious.

I head home to Orlando tomorrow, and I'll be there 'til Monday. I'm missing the first three shows of 2007 with Steve and DC, but with my diminished role, I don't think anyone will miss me anyway. More on that later, perhaps. I've got a lot of stuff coming up this semester, and I'm excited. I want to make my last semester at Wash U a good one.